My Valley of Shadows...

 I don’t remember much about September through December of 2009. I do remember coming home and talking with Troy, I was beside myself. We went to bed that night, and I couldn’t stop crying. My prayers for David being a husband and father were very blurry. His future was unknown and the questions “How could we have prevented this?” “What could we have done better?” “What did we do wrong?” they were all haunting me. 
 

I did manage to get David enrolled in school after he was evaluated at the school district.

Needless to say, those 3 months were a blur, I got up, I worked a 40+ hour week, I spent time with my family, I occasionally ate and I went to bed.  I was on auto pilot.

My world began to revolve around David. I had to get answers and educate myself to figure this out. I was basically a very fast train without brakes.

I was depressed. I wasn’t thinking bad thoughts, I just felt like I had lost control of my life and the plan I had for it.  I’ve got news for you…it’s not our plan in the first place!  Jeremiah 29:11 - “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I remember digging around on the internet on WedMD and other sites tinkering here and there for an answer of how I could “fix” my son. I landed on Amazon and found the book, ordered it and waited. It came right after New Year’s 2010. I dove right in and read cover to cover, I highlighted anything that stood out, I took notes and wrote questions down, then went digging for answers after that to back up what I’d read. It could have been any book and I probably would have done the same thing, but it was this book and it had a direction for me, helped me get my feet on the ground and helped me to start to focus again. Jenny McCarthy has really shed light on autism and maybe that’s why I was drawn in, she’s been through some scary stuff with her son, but she was strong and didn’t take NO for an answer…I knew I wasn’t either, so I sided with her approach (with less swear words).

 

Learning about the diagnosis of developmental delay can send you spinning, the loosing control feeling isn’t a fun one, especially for a mother of two boys, who thinks she’s got it all together.

Gradually, it made sense though, why David was so non-compliant and difficult in public situations. We just didn’t go out as much due to his screaming or strange behaviors and my fear of him just running off, since he didn’t seem to care where Mommy or Daddy were. There was no sense of danger or empathy for that matter. 

I remember one night we had given David a bath and I came up behind him to wrap him in a towel, he jumped and hit his head square at my nose, I heard a crack and tears immediately came to me. I started crying, it hurt really bad. Troy was trying to show David that he had hurt Mommy and David could care less, he had no empathy for the fact that Mommy might have a nice shiner in the morning, or end up looking like Penelope.

Once I had direction, I still didn’t have control. I started to suffer from anxiety pretty bad and it was beginning to affect my work. I would sit and stare at my computer and cry, for no reason. I went to the Dr. and of course, I was prescribed Xanax, or whatever it is they hop you up on to calm you down. I had a crossroads that night, Troy was worried about me too. With my family history, I knew medicating the problem was NOT the answer! I had finally realized I should maybe be praying a bit more than I had…doh! (Homer moment.) It was clear to me then, that I needed more time for my family and immediately applied for leave for my mental health, the care of my son and my family. I ended up working 32 hours a week for about 9 months. God has blessed that decision from day one considering we need both of our incomes to make our household run, we’ve been cared for and taken care of without explanation as to where it came from…hmmm. James 1:17 “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”